Your pediatrician is an important part of your support network, especially during those first years of your baby’s life when parenting is new and uncertain. Questions about vaccinations and growth curves alone are enough to keep any mom and dad up at night.

Parents should feel confident handing over some of this concern to their child’s doctor. But what happens when parents and pediatricians disagree? Should you follow your instincts or simply trust your doctor to know what’s best for your child?

Meeting of the Minds
Hilary Eriksen, a mother of two in San Jose, Calif., felt uncomfortable when her first child’s pediatrician recommended nursing her 6-month-old less and giving her more solids. “Our daughter was very averse to solids and extremely happy nursing,” says Eriksen. “But the doctor said nursing wasn’t enough and [that] she needed solids soon.”

Meanwhile, Eriksen’s daughter was thriving, above average in size and learning something new every day. Unhappy with the advice, Eriksen sought out another doctor.

When her son was born, Eriksen decided to “stretch the truth” and tell her new doctor that her son was eating solids even when he wasn’t. “I didn’t want to have a similar experience with my son that I had with my daughter, even though I now had a different doctor,” says Eriksen.

Like Eriksen, Clare Gordiski, a mother of twin boys who lives in Ansonia, Conn., is not opposed to stretching the truth here and there when it comes to hot-button issues about her children’s health. When her doctor asks about her sleeping arrangements, for example, Gordiski leaves out key details about her family bed situation. She says she lies a little because she would rather make those kinds of decisions, such as where her babies sleep, by herself.

Truth of the Matter
Some “little white lies” aren’t a big deal when it comes to a disagreement with your pediatrician. Where parenting styles are concerned, keeping the details about sleep habits and feeding schedules to yourself may not be a life-or-death decision.

Dr. Paul Dvorak, a pediatrician in Madison, Wis., doesn’t worry much about issues like when to start solid foods or when to change from formula to milk. “We give the generally accepted recommendations, but if [parents] want to do otherwise, it is usually of no significance to the baby,” he says.

Likewise, Dr. Moshe Adler, a pediatrician in West Palm Beach, Fla., tends to pick his battles, so to speak. “If it is something minor, like delaying an immunization until the next visit, I’ll let [parents] have their way,” he says.

“When it comes to whether or not to do screening studies like vision testing or routine blood tests, I generally will spend more time and try to educate the parent as to why I think it is important,” says Dr. Dvorak. “However, the parent has to make the final decision, and I will support it regardless of what it may be.”

But what happens when doctor and patient disagree about more serious issues such as when medication is appropriate? “If they insist on treatment I think is either unnecessary or contraindicated, I’ll explain and refuse to treat,” says Dr. Adler. “Some parents think any fever or cold should be treated with antibiotics,” he says, as an example. But, according to Dr. Adler, viruses, in fact, don’t respond to such treatment.

On the other hand, some parents may not want to medicate their children as readily as their doctor might. For instance, some pediatricians prescribe low-dose daily antibiotics in cases of recurrent ear or urinary tract infections, but not all parents agree with this treatment. So how can those parents make their case without offending their pediatrician?

“Let me know what you disagree with and why,” suggests Dr. Adler. “If you have data or research, bring it to the office so I can see what you are referring to. That way, I can better see your reasoning.” If your doctor still doesn’t agree with you, she can at least give you more specific reasoning and the benefit of his education and experience on the topic.

Building a Bond
The only way to build a satisfying relationship with your doctor is to communicate. Don’t be afraid to speak up, but at the same time, be open to your doctor’s advice.

“I would suggest that parents not be hesitant to question, but if their doctor is following accepted recommendations (like those from the American Academy of Pediatrics), parents should be very careful and thoughtful before [ignoring him],” says Dr. Dvorak.

And when you do speak up, Dr. Adler requests that parents stay calm. “Don’t scream and yell,” he says. “And please don’t yell at my office staff.” Rather, schedule a time with your doctor when you can rationally discuss your disagreement and decide what’s best for your child.

If you find yourself questioning everything your pediatrician advises, it’s probably time to find a new doctor. Avoid more conflict by choosing your child’s doctor with certain factors in mind. “The first step is knowing what your needs are,” suggests Eriksen. “For example, I didn’t appreciate unsolicited advice [about my parenting style]. I also was offended when my daughter’s first pediatrician brushed off our concern that she cried a lot.” A new doctor who was more sympathetic to the Eriksens’ needs changed their experience at the doctor’s office significantly.

Gordiski thought it was important to find a doctor who talks to her as if she’s a friend. “I also like that there are other twins in her practice,” she says. “It is important to me – and should be to other mothers of twins – that the babies are seen by a provider who knows that twins are not the same as singletons.”

No matter how much experience your doctor may have, remember that a parent’s instincts are usually worth listening to. “Switch physicians as soon as you feel uncomfortable,” says Eriksen. “Trust yourself. The right doctor is out there.”

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